The Page Turns - The Divorce is Finalized
The day has come. Our divorce is now final. Feels a bit weird to say that I’m “single” again after over a decade of monogamy.
There will be no fun “Newly Divorced Party” blog post from this gal. My situation wasn’t one that really warrants a celebration. There wasn’t some crazy story behind it all. I wasn’t some long-suffering wife of a serial cheater or beater, nor was he. In my mind, I believe that makes it a sadder situation, not a celebratory one for me.
Breaking up a family, a home, and a business is the saddest and hardest thing I’ve had to do. It’s a real bitch of a process. This is a second marriage for both of us, so I’ve gone through a divorce before. But it was not a decade-long relationship ending, there were no children beyond our dog, we hadn’t lived in our condo very long, there wasn’t a business to transition and a new career to start for me… it was different. It was hard, sad, and painful for sure – but not on the same level as this. It just wasn’t.
This. Is. The. Worst.
I’ve ridden the wave of emotions that comes with it all. From excitement about my future to freaking out about if I can make it all work alone, caring deeply for him still yet also wanting to punch him in the face at times (it’s a joke people), being intrigued and also disgusted by the thought of dating again… and yes, this oscillates back and forth like a pendulum and probably will for a bit.
I feel like I’ve got it all together one moment and like I’m losing my damn mind the next.
The glimpses in my mind I have of my potential future keep me powering ever onward though. I want what I want and I need what I need. That’s just the deal. I cannot ignore my wants and needs any longer if I want to lead a fulfilling and peaceful life – which is my aim. It’s not money or notoriety for me. An authentic life making choices that align with what I truly want and need, not based on what others believe I should do or what social norms currently exist. You can keep those – imma do me. Brace yourselves – it might get a little weird.
As an HSP I have a highly active imagination and boy has it been in overdrive during all of this. Imagining ALL of the possibilities in EVERY direction. I’ve even seen and felt a partner in my future that made me feel light. We have commonalities and interests that are aligned – making the time we spend together easy-going. We have crazy chemistry and lots of laughs. They cook too – a requirement I’ve determined. I have no idea WHEN I’ll find this person or what they’ll look like or who they’ll be… but it gave me hope. I happily daydream about being 1+ years into a relationship with someone, but when I try to daydream about the initial “dating” part it turns into a nightmare that I avoid. So, that will be interesting to see how that all shapes up and pans out in the coming years.
I’ve really taken the time to explore what my goals for life are… you can say hopes and dreams if you want, I like the word goals because I’m a “list-checker” and I like to play “I win”. I’ve got some short-term and long-term goals spanning the next decade on paper. I know those long-term ones are highly subject to change, especially if another party joins the mix at some point, but it’s a starting point and a place to strive for. It’s lofty all on my own. I don’t know if I’ll be successful in making it all happen. Time will tell. All I know is I’m going to try and this journey will take me where it is intended to.
It should make for an eventful story at least… not like a "Sex and the City" type of epic (I'm not interested in boinking half the city), but eventful none-the-less.
- Monica