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  • Writer's pictureMonica Stanley

Death of a Dream - Turning the Page on my Marriage

You've probably heard some folks say, "Divorce is the death of a dream you thought was going to last." Sounds harsh, but it resonates. It certainly requires mourning and grieving, if you want to get out of it in a relatively solid mental state anyway. Avoid that part and you'll stay stuck in a negative space and place for far longer than is helpful.

I know some choose to not make announcements about these things and just go on with their life because, rightfully so, what business is it of everyone else's? You don't want to talk about it, you just want to move on from it as best you can. But I choose to tell my story. It helps me and sometimes, if I'm lucky, it helps someone else.

If you haven't cracked the code by now, I'm going through the "Big D" and I don't mean Dallas.

It's been in the works for a while and we tried for a quite some time to figure out how or if we could make it work and, ultimately, we made the decision that it would not be able to continue further.

I've spent quite a bit of time mourning the death of my dream. I wanted the business, the husband, the kids, the dogs, the house, the travel... you know, the dream. I had it for a minute there. But situations change, dreams change, and people change.

It's been a long and very emotional road. The only reason I'm able to start putting my thoughts together about it now is that we are toward the end of the situation and have most of our needed plans squared away. When I don't have a plan, I struggle to remain calm.

If you're looking for a scintillating story, this isn't it. There's no drama, beyond what normally would come with such a transition, there's no real animosity, and there's no retaliatory behavior or intentions on either of our behalf. Maybe we should write a book on how to make a "conscious uncoupling" as non-damaging and healthy as possible for everyone involved.

What there is, is two people who did their best to come to an agreement on what would be fair and equitable to both parties, with their absolute devotion to putting the children first, evident in every single thought and action they took. And, shocker alert, they don't hate one another. They want well for one another. They want no harm to come to the other. Not only because any harm that comes to them also comes to their children, but because they genuinely care about one another as people. They just no longer work as a partnership and are positively and amicably breaking up that partnership. Yes - we are both business-minded nerds, so that example is most relevant.

Now, let's be clear. I didn't say this was EASY or an exciting time in life. We certainly have very difficult days with one another. We disagree. We get our feelings hurt. We get scared. We get mad. Communication fails. All the things. If we didn't have those issues and things, we wouldn't be getting divorced in the first place right? Okay. So, getting a divorce doesn't CHANGE the issues or make them go away. We are just choosing to try and work through it as consciously and cordially as we can is all.

I already know when he starts dating I'm not going to handle that very gracefully. And when I start dating he isn't going to like that either. It's part of the process and it is going to suck. But we will also both survive it and, once we both have some space and time with things, we will see how it was better for the both of us in the end.

It always seems impossible until it's done.

We've worked through all the issues and it is just a matter of the wait-period time and the judge getting the time to signing off on things to finalize it all.

I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm angry at times. But I'm also hopeful. I'm focused. I'm embracing the change for what it is, an opportunity to shape my life as I choose and set an example for my children that, if they too should find themselves in such a position that they see there is a way to do it that is careful and caring for the family.

I've got an apartment lined up that is going to be a 5-minute radius to where I spend much of my time (home-school-work), of which the girls are excited about living at. I very recently secured employment that allows me to get fully back into marketing again and not focus on being the "Jack-of-all-Trades" I'm known to be. I'm ready for a more singular-focus.

I've finally realized, just because I CAN do all-the-things doesn't mean I SHOULD. Life changing.

I will be reviving my graphic design side-hustle in early 2022 for some ad-hoc creative work too.

Next steps are to try and secure childcare - which has proven to be WAY more difficult than I remember that being. Yikes! Then, we will list the house for sale and do yet another move. I really REALLY hope this is my last one for at least a couple of years. LOL.

I'm thankful for and proud of the quality co-parenting relationship he and I have and hope to continue to have. It really will make all the difference in the world to the kids and enable all of us to heal as well as you can from these things.

I'm aware that wasn't a very humor-filled post like usual, but this isn't a very funny subject. It's real though. It's real life. And it sucks. But it is survivable. It really can be anyway.

So, that's the scoop. It's the boring vanilla one, but I happen to like vanilla.

- Monica

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